I feel as though it hit me like a ton of bricks or more accurately as though I hit a brick wall. I have had struggles with depression throughout my entire adult life, I was acutely aware that Post Partum Depression was probably just around the corner from my happy-everything is great-post baby state. Maybe it came on slowly over the past few months and I didn't notice the flags? Either way, it hit hard a week ago, leaving me feeling completely debilitated. At first I thought I was just feeling a bit unmotivated, but as it continued, I knew I had no real choice but to get help.
What does PPD feel/look like? If you haven't experience depression before it might take you longer to recognize and everyone has a different experience. There are general symptoms (of course the internet is a wealth of information) and I can only really speak about what post partum depression feels like for me.
I became unable to do anything, basically. Getting out of bed at all was a struggle but I did that because my girls needed me to take care of them. Taking care of them became a bare bones operation during that first week. I would change diapers and feed as necessary but basically that was the extent of what I could do with them. Holding Arya became a struggle, I was not feeling bonded with her. I had no joy or delight in their smiles and laughs. They were clean and fed and in no danger, I never felt as though I would hurt them or myself although this is a more severe symptom of PPD. I should say right now that if you ever have even a passing thought that involves harming your child, call someone for help...midwives, the hospital, your family and get help. No one is going to judge you but you need help.
For a week I sat on the couch reading while my husband was at work. I was unable to clean anything, or leave the house, or talk to people. I cried, I cried a lot. I cried over nothing and everything. PPD makes me feel like everything is amiss. Nothing is right. I am extremely sad and unhappy but I can't quite put a finger on what exactly is wrong. I had a crushing feeling that I was doing everything wrong, failing my children in some way, a general disappointment.
On Friday I just could not take care of my children alone any more, it was doing them no good. My 2 year old was much too aware of my state, telling me repeatedly that she loved me and not to be sad; which made me cry more. I was finally able to work up the courage to call the doctor ( if you have ever suffered from depression then you know what I am talking about) and I went in that day. The doctor I saw was very nice, super helpful and reassuring.
So, I am now medicated, in a way that seems overwhelming. Adjusting to medication is difficult, there are side effects I would rather not have at the moment, such as dizziness. I am taking two medications, one for depression and one for anxiety (another thing I have dealt with throughout adulthood). My medication options are very limited because I breastfeed, but even if you do there are things you can take to help you.I have follow up appointments in the coming weeks. It is in itself overwhelming but I am doing my best not to think about it, sending me into an anxiety spiral.
I definitely do not want to talk about this. I don't want to be writing this post at all, I would much rather keep it in. I also know that I am very lucky to have seen very quickly that I was dealing with Post Partum Depression, something other new mothers may not realize. It is so important for us to allow ourselves to be comfortable telling someone when we need help, not to feel ashamed or embarrassed. There is no reason at all that anyone should be suffering through because they are scared to speak up. I want anyone who hasn't gotten help to know that it's ok, it's not your fault, you aren't to blame, you definitely aren't a bad mother and there is nothing at all to be embarrassed about.
I will do my best to update on progress, I'm sure my medication will start to fully work in the coming weeks. In the mean time I am just trying to push on.
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